Just another one of those days

I seem to have these days more and more lately. Where I don't want to do anything but dig a hole, crawl into it, and stay there in the dark until I feel like emerging back into the world.

Today is one of those days. I got out of bed at around 1 pm today. And I haven't done a thing. I just moved to the couch. Watched some television. Of course there was nothing on. A bad movie or two. So I played computer games all afternoon.

That is of course when I wasn't over thinking my life and crying for no good reason. I seriously need to chill the hell out. I don't know what the deal is. Actually I do. This is reminiscent of all the crap that I dealt with in high school and college. All the time I thought I was losing my mind. Feeling anxious, paranoid, and just terribly sad most days. Then, just like now, the episodes come and go randomly. There is no control over them. Its a matter of riding the wave until I am back on steady ground.

The only good news is that lately these episodes aren't lasting more than a day or two, whereas in the past they could last for a week or more. Not too mention the fact that I have not cut myself. That is something that happened almost religously in the past. It was the relief, it made me feel better, if only for a short while. Cutting is sort of like crack (not that I have any experience with crack mind you) in that in the beginning one hit, so to speak, gives you the high you need, and its lasts and lasts. But the more you do it, the more you want to do it, and the shorter the high, the more it takes to reach that high.

Thankfully, I was able to stop cutting my freshman year of college. At that point I had been cutting for about a year. I still think about cutting. Not every day like I used to, but still pretty often. I think about the ritual that it became. Cleaning the area I was going to cut. Cleaning the blade. Then the actual cutting. The time when I would just sit back and enjoy the rush. It was orgasmic most times. Then cleaning the wound. Bandaging it. Cleaning the blade again. Finally putting all the tools away. Sad that no one really figured out what I was doing - unlike most cutters, I didn't hide the results.

Its almost funny - I kept telling everyone that I was going to get a tattoo when I went back to New York last week. I made the appointment. Met with the guy who was going to do it. Finalized size and color details. He took out all the needles and the ink, got everything set up. I sat in the chair. And couldn't go through with it. For two reasons. First and foremost, the idea of getting a tattoo is so much like cutting, that part of me is scared that I would start cutting again. Second, part of me wants to be the only one who gets to inflict that pain (and the resulting pleasure) on me. Of course I play it off like I didn't want to do something that was permanent and that I couldn't undo, but it was more than that.

The wave seems to be cresting right now. Writing seems to help me deal with it more than it did back then.

It's Good to Be Home

I am very glad to be home. Travelling can be exhausting! I have lots to tell all of my faithful readers (all five of you). But you will have to wait just a little bit longer. Don't worry it will be worth it - especially when I upload the pictures I took. Unfortunately I don't have that much time to devote to my story telling, since I have about 20 mosquito bites that require my attention. (No I am not scratching them - I am constantly dousing them in Calamine lotion.) So stay tuned...

And she's off

I am on my way to Santa Monica for the next two days. Have to finish up a few commercials for one of my clients. Should be interesting - at least I shouldn't be as frustrated as I was last week since Meme will not be going.

Once that is done, I have a short layover in Vegas (meaning I get to run home for 2 hours or so to drop some stuff off and check on the fat cats.) Then its back to the airport to catch the red eye to New York.

I think I'll need a vacation once I get back from my vacation...

Poor thing

My poor little brother. Too bad, so sad...

Mixing Pleasure With Business

You all have dirty minds! I just meant that I had fun on a business trip. For the most part at least...


















I was in Santa Monica last week for work. We had some free time on Thursday, so I was able to walk around a bit. I was able to check out the 3rd Street Promenade which was cool. But of course silly girl that I am the only shopping I did was in Old Navy. The group of us that were there tried to grab a bite to eat to hold us over till dinner, but the block we were on had a power outage.

We had dinner at a restaurant right on the beach in Malibu called Gladstones. By the time the sun went down, I was freezing my ass off but the view was well worth it.

By the end of the trip I really wanted to kill this girl who I will call "Meme". (No - that is not a typo.) Well Meme doesn't give a flying shit about any one but herself. She walks around completely oblivious of any one around her, causing traffic jams, and she never even realizes it. The she likes to cause problems. Meme had one specific task that she needed to complete prior to the big work day. She didn't do it. And therefore the entire schedule is messed up. Everything she did annoyed me. We had a flight that we had to be on. The next available flight was Saturday morning at 7 am. I had company in town and an appointment late that night that couldn't be missed (see my previous post regarding Harry Potter). So I tell everyone that I want to leave at 4 pm, 4:30 at the very latest. So at 4:30 we head down to the car to leave. Everyone is in the car. Except Meme. So we send her little friend to get her, but he can't because the door is locked. So we try calling her. It takes her another 5 minutes to get down there. It is now 4:40 on a Friday and I have a 6:40 flight out of LAX and a rental car to return. I am PISSED. The bumper to bumper traffic doesn't help. I get the car back we get to the terminal as we are about to go through security, Meme says she needs to use the restroom (why she can't wait until we get through security is beyond me, but I tell her to just meet us at the gate. I don't care if she misses the flight. Needless to say, this project is not finished yet. I am heading back Tuesday and Wednesday which a much smaller entourage. If she thinks for a minute that I am letting her come with us she has another thing coming. Now I am done venting.

Feels like December 26th

I am a dork. But I am not ashamed. A few years back a client of mine convinced me to read Harry Potter and the Sorcerors Stone. I had, at one point prior to this conversation, tried to read a Harry Potter book and just didn't really like it. So I tried again, this time starting with the first book in the series. I loved it. Couldn't get enough of it. So I read everything that had been published up until that point (Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, and Goblet of Fire.) I couln't wait for the next book (#5 The Order of the Phoenix) to go on sale. I was luckier than most because I was only waiting for about a year whereas the die hard fans waited 3 long years.

Well I now know that uniques suspense filled pain of waiting frustrated to continue that story of the boy who lived. I had to wait 2 years for the sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I wait and wait for the book to arrive and the what do I do? I spend the better part of my weekend reading it. I picked it up at midnight on Friday. Yes I was one of the dorks who lined up outside Borders waiting for their copy. (No I didn't dress up like a character or anything like that!).

I started reading it as soon as I got home. By the time I woke up the next morning I had read the first four chapters. I kept reading on and off Saturday, reading about 3 quarters of the book. The I got up this morning and read the rest of it. I finished it at approximately 2:15 pm. I wait 2 years for a book and I read it in less than 2 days. It feels like the day after Christmas. And I don't even know when the last book will be coming out. I hope I don't have to wait another 2 years!

Open Your Eyes

I knew if I just looked in the obvious spots I would find the damn cord for my camera - and sure enough. I looked between the couch cushions again. But then I looked a little bit harder and sure enough there it was. God I am a dork.

So anyway, here are some pictures I took of the concert I went to...

Procrastination in digital form...

God damn it! This is fucking pathetic. I downloaded pictures off of my digital camera about two weeks ago. I have taken a bunch of pictures since then, but I can't download them because of course I can't find the USB cable. What is wrong with this picture? I live in a 760 sq. ft single bedroom apartment and I can't find something? What is that all about? It didn't grow legs and walk away! (Now I sound like my dad - wonderful). No one has been in this apartment (except me) since I used it last. So where the hell is it? This is going to drive me insane.

Of course if my apartment was clean I would have no problem finding it but have I cleaned it yet? Nope. Doesn't Ryan come into town tomorrow morning? Of course. Have I been slacking on laundry since March, only doing a load when I absolutely need to, even though I have a washer and dryer right in my kitchen? Of course. Oh yeah, and of course it is about 10:30 and I really need to do laundry, so I am going to stop playing computer games.

I need to turn off my computer and get moving. Right ................. NOW.

It's been a while...

Or at least it feels like it. The month of July is only 6 days old and already I am wishing for August. Things are pretty crazy for me at work right now. I have two clients that want to do new creative campaigns. Which means that I am working my but off corrdinating it all. But, if all goes well, it will look good for me. We'll see.

So this past weekend was Independence Day. A very busy weekend in Vegas. There were four big concerts (depending on how you feel about the bands). Friday night was a private Collective Soul concert, which I had passes for, but did not attend. Saturday night was the free Adolescents/Weezer/Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. Saturday was Billy Idol. Sunday was Red, White and Boom featuring Better than Ezra, Bowling for Soup and Crossfade.

The only one that I went to was the Weezer/Peppers concert. It was amazing! First of all it was a festival style show (i.e. outdoors in 105+ degree weather with the sun beating down on everyone.) My tickets were for the VIP area (one of the perks of working in advertising - free stuff). They had a big tent that was air conditioned, free food, and free drinks. They also had a special viewing area for the VIP's that was separate from the 33,000 drunks in the general admission corral. As soon as I find my USB cable I will upload some of the pictures that I took.

Weezer was amazing. This was the first time I have seen them live and it was great. They played a good mix of songs but they seemed to stay away from anything on Pinkerton and Maladroit. And of course, the best part was when they played my favorite song - Undone (The Sweater Song).

The Chili Peppers were okay at best. I saw them 2 years ago right after By the Way was released and I thought they were awesome then. I probably would have felt the same way this time except they used the same set list. I kid you not, every song was the same, in practically the same exact order. Even the encore was the same (Flea on the trumpet followed by Under the Bridge). The only change to it was the two songs that will be released on their next album.

Of course, this was also the same day as the Live 8 concerts. I think that the Peppers may have been a bit upset about playing in Vegas. They were booked before Live 8 was ever announced and I think, judging by Flea bringing it up between every song and telling every one that they needed to get together and donate $25 million, that they would rather have been playing in Philly or London, anywhere else but Las Vegas. Oh well...

That was pretty much the highlight of my holiday weekend, I didn't do anything else except hang out and see how long it would take before I snapped and called the cops on my idiot neighbors who were setting off firecrackers right outside my door instead of in the street like a normal person. But my patience lasted until 1 am when they finally stopped, or just ran out of firecrackers. To-may-to to-mah-to.

How true...

So, I love playing with the "Create a South Park Character" thing my friend told me about last week, especially when I can customize things to look how I feel. Does this explain how crazy my week has been? Hell, this is what I will feel like through most of July...

Pinstripes always look good...

Need I say more? Although, a smile wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if they took the picture as soon as he got to Columbus. Show 'em what you've got, Matt!