Dreams

Have you ever dreamed a dream that was so realistic and wonderful that the moment you woke up all the happiness and contentedness you experienced in the dream crashed in a fiery mess? I have. Quite a few times. I had a dream like that last night. I swear this dream was so realistic, and I was so extremely happy in it, that I wish I could sleep forever just to experience it, since I have never experienced joy like that in my waking life.

I am sure you were wondering what I could have dreamed about that would instill that kind of feeling in me. Well I didn't win a million dollars, I didn't meet the Yankees or anything like that. In my dream someone loved me. And I in turn loved them. In my dream this person truly cared about me. It wasn't even that they showered me with gifts, money, flowers, romantic trips. There wasn't any of that. They looked forward to seeing me. They cared about my safety. They had my back. They cared. And I felt the same way. I could be me. I could express my fears and they didn't run away from it. They embraced it and comforted me. They loved me. And it was wonderful.

In my life I have never experienced anything like it. I have been chsing this dream in my waking life for as long as I can remember. And that is the problem. I have been chasing it. Always looking for it but never finding it. I look at all the relationships that I have had in my life and the basic reality of them all is that I have been struggling to get that kind of love from them all. Even my parents. Especially my parents. Growing up I never had parents that expressed that love. My dad didn't. My mom wouldn't. And I tried as hard as I could to make them. Trying to be the good kid and stay out my dad's anger so that he could have room to love me. Trying to be quiet and neat so that my mom could relax and have the energy or the desire to love me.

Andrew wanted no ties, but I didn't see that. All I could see was that I wanted him to love me. It didn't occur to me that he needed to get out of where he was and loving me wouldn't let him do that. Greg had too much on his plate to make room for loving me. But once again I envisioned this unrealistic relationship and, of course, was disappointed when it didn't happen. Since then, I see these men who I think that I lik, so I create these visions of what a love would be like with them, always ignoring the reality of the situation. Maybe that is why I have not experienced the love that I glimpsed in my dream. I don't know. Nor do I know how to attain that feeling. Hell, I haven't been successful in getting even a bad relationship in 9 years. Maybe I am not destined to experience it. All I know is that I am done looking for it in real life.

Well I am going to take a nap and see if I can get back into that dream. Since it seems like the only place I can experience love is in a dream...