The bad part of my weekend
I spent most of Saturday crying. This was for two reasons. The first is that I had a very vivid dreaming of jumping in a pool naked and very nearly drowning. This fucked me up to the point that I just kept crying for hours on end. Until I finally calmed myself down at about 4, after taking a long hot bath. (A dream of drowning generally means that you are in over your head, frustrated, and/or struggling. Combine that with dreaming of being naked - fear of being exposed - recipe for disaster.)
But the worst part was the phone call I had with my dad. If you didn't already know, my dad is an alcoholic. He was sober for about 3 years. Since he moved to Denver, or more accurately since he turned 50, he has been very sappy about not being involved in most of his childrens' lives. At the moment I am the only one who still talks to him. So around certain times of year, he can get very sappy, calling me telling me how much he misses me, or my brothers or my sister. Usually during one of these sapfests, he'll ask me about Morgan, and I will reiterate my desire to stay out of the middle of it, yet at the same time reassuring him that Morgan is doinf okay, that the Crohn's seems to be under control, or that he is driving yet hasn't had an accident (knock on wood - be careful Morgan). And thats the end of it and we move on to another subject.
Well on Saturday he wouldn't leave it alone. He was practically in tears saying how he is going to die soon and that he misses his kids, and that I need to be the bigger person and reconnect with everyone and that he shouldn't be what is stopping me. (For the record - my familial rifts are solely with my older brother and has absolutely NOTHING to do with my dad. There are certain subjects that are off limits with other family members, but Sean is the only one that I have no communication with.) And then all of a sudden he switches in to this really giddy, happy laughing thing. I am not sure what to think at this point, but my radar is up big time.
So we decide that it is time to end the call and he hands the phone to my (wonderful) stepmonster Pam so I can say goodbye to her as well. The first words out of my mouth when she took the phone were "Is he drinking again?" Don't get me wrong - I have asked this question a few times, so I was expecting the usual answer. I didn't get it.
"He started before I got back from Florida" was the response that I got. And I lost it. Crying and screaming at the same time. 3 fucking years of sobriety down the drain. I really thought that the last time was the last time. Did he really think that I couldn't tell? That I wouldn't figure it out? I have been through this god damn roller coaster enough in mhy 27 years to know better.
So now the question is what do I do? I was planning on going to Denver until Thanksgiving and now I don't think I'll even go then. I won't. I can't watch that again. I can't be a part of the downward spiral. If he thinks that drinking himself into oblivion is the way to get his kids back in his life, he is kidding himself. His drinking is pushing the last one away.
And of course next Sunday is Fathers Day. He's just going to love the cards he gets from me. (Sarcasm). I am just going to put it on the table. Let him know that I am done. I will not put up with it or allow myself to be dragged into that horrible place. Wondering where he is, or when he'll be back, or if he is okay. I can't do it anymore. I can't watch the person who is supposed to take care of me throw his life away and I certainly can't force him to pull it together. And I certainly can't act like nothing has happened. The worst thing that I could do is enable him,
I won't do it. I won't...
But the worst part was the phone call I had with my dad. If you didn't already know, my dad is an alcoholic. He was sober for about 3 years. Since he moved to Denver, or more accurately since he turned 50, he has been very sappy about not being involved in most of his childrens' lives. At the moment I am the only one who still talks to him. So around certain times of year, he can get very sappy, calling me telling me how much he misses me, or my brothers or my sister. Usually during one of these sapfests, he'll ask me about Morgan, and I will reiterate my desire to stay out of the middle of it, yet at the same time reassuring him that Morgan is doinf okay, that the Crohn's seems to be under control, or that he is driving yet hasn't had an accident (knock on wood - be careful Morgan). And thats the end of it and we move on to another subject.
Well on Saturday he wouldn't leave it alone. He was practically in tears saying how he is going to die soon and that he misses his kids, and that I need to be the bigger person and reconnect with everyone and that he shouldn't be what is stopping me. (For the record - my familial rifts are solely with my older brother and has absolutely NOTHING to do with my dad. There are certain subjects that are off limits with other family members, but Sean is the only one that I have no communication with.) And then all of a sudden he switches in to this really giddy, happy laughing thing. I am not sure what to think at this point, but my radar is up big time.
So we decide that it is time to end the call and he hands the phone to my (wonderful) stepmonster Pam so I can say goodbye to her as well. The first words out of my mouth when she took the phone were "Is he drinking again?" Don't get me wrong - I have asked this question a few times, so I was expecting the usual answer. I didn't get it.
"He started before I got back from Florida" was the response that I got. And I lost it. Crying and screaming at the same time. 3 fucking years of sobriety down the drain. I really thought that the last time was the last time. Did he really think that I couldn't tell? That I wouldn't figure it out? I have been through this god damn roller coaster enough in mhy 27 years to know better.
So now the question is what do I do? I was planning on going to Denver until Thanksgiving and now I don't think I'll even go then. I won't. I can't watch that again. I can't be a part of the downward spiral. If he thinks that drinking himself into oblivion is the way to get his kids back in his life, he is kidding himself. His drinking is pushing the last one away.
And of course next Sunday is Fathers Day. He's just going to love the cards he gets from me. (Sarcasm). I am just going to put it on the table. Let him know that I am done. I will not put up with it or allow myself to be dragged into that horrible place. Wondering where he is, or when he'll be back, or if he is okay. I can't do it anymore. I can't watch the person who is supposed to take care of me throw his life away and I certainly can't force him to pull it together. And I certainly can't act like nothing has happened. The worst thing that I could do is enable him,
I won't do it. I won't...
posted by Shannon @ 10:25 PM
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