Don't read this (or "Blogging is Therapuetic")
If you know me well (or are a faithful blog reader) you know that I am a former cutter. (I prefer the term cutter to self mutilator.) Well, much like a alcoholic, it is a one day at a tiome thing. I am very proud to say that I have not cut in 8 years and 9 months, or approximately 3192 days. Well during that time I have probably thought about cutting 10000 times. Some days are worse than others. Those are usually the days when I get so close to cut that I actually scratch my arms raw. And no, I don't count that as cutting because 1. I never get anywhere near breaking the skin and 2. I don't get the release, the rush, or the satisfaction that I get when I see my blood.
Today has been particularly rough. I don't know if I am just PMSing or what but my emotions are all over the map. The muscles in my arm ache from the stress of trying to keep them still. The weather is really warm lately and the last thing I want to do is stay covered up so that no one can see the results. (Which ironically is something that I never even thought of doing before I stopped cutting. I wore those scars proudly.)
I can't explain why I feel the need, because it is a need, not a mere want. It feels as if you are standing in the middle of the desert, dehydrated, dying for a sip of water. And a bottle is sitting right in front of you, within your reach. All you have to do is pick up the ice cold water, unscrew the cap, and drink to your hearts content. The only problem is that you know it is poison and one drop, much less a sip, will kill you. So do you quench your thirst and die a painful death, or do you die of thirst? Its a lose lose situation. Thats what cutting is for me.
I am so thirsty right now (see metaphor above and try to keep up) and all I want to do is take a sip of that poisoned water, but I know that I can't. It can do nothing but hurt me, but for gods sake, even temporary relief would be wonderful.
The good news is that talking about this in a rational manner, such as I have just done in my ever wonderful blog, releases some of that tension and the urge fades. Its partly a waiting game, if you keep calm and occupy your hands (by typing for instance) you can get past the hump, past the point where your arms are twitching with anxiety and pent up energy.
Just got to keep breathing and resisit the urge...
Today has been particularly rough. I don't know if I am just PMSing or what but my emotions are all over the map. The muscles in my arm ache from the stress of trying to keep them still. The weather is really warm lately and the last thing I want to do is stay covered up so that no one can see the results. (Which ironically is something that I never even thought of doing before I stopped cutting. I wore those scars proudly.)
I can't explain why I feel the need, because it is a need, not a mere want. It feels as if you are standing in the middle of the desert, dehydrated, dying for a sip of water. And a bottle is sitting right in front of you, within your reach. All you have to do is pick up the ice cold water, unscrew the cap, and drink to your hearts content. The only problem is that you know it is poison and one drop, much less a sip, will kill you. So do you quench your thirst and die a painful death, or do you die of thirst? Its a lose lose situation. Thats what cutting is for me.
I am so thirsty right now (see metaphor above and try to keep up) and all I want to do is take a sip of that poisoned water, but I know that I can't. It can do nothing but hurt me, but for gods sake, even temporary relief would be wonderful.
The good news is that talking about this in a rational manner, such as I have just done in my ever wonderful blog, releases some of that tension and the urge fades. Its partly a waiting game, if you keep calm and occupy your hands (by typing for instance) you can get past the hump, past the point where your arms are twitching with anxiety and pent up energy.
Just got to keep breathing and resisit the urge...
posted by Shannon @ 11:35 PM
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