Happy Birthday for me...

Got to love Morgan's sense of humor...

See you later not goodbye

Dragonfly!!

I am so sad that I will no longer get to see your face every day at the office. Since we started working closely together over a year ago, you have become one of my closest friends. I don't know what I will do without you here! Who is going to keep me sane? Who is going to listen to the crazy dreams that I have had the night before? I will miss you terribly...

But don't think that just because you no longer work with me that you can't be my friend! You don't get off that easy...

I love you!

My apologies

I just want to apologize for my last post. I was PMS'ing and as it usually goes, I get a little emotional right before my birthday. When you add the two together, it makes for a very mean combination. So to all of my friends who came on Saturday or didn't come, please know that I love you all and I wouldn't know what to do with out you. Thank you for all that you do for me and for always being there for me - even when I am a raving hormonal wreck. You are the best friends I could ever have. I've not had the easiest life so far and without the support and love from my friends I would not be who I am today.

So again, thank you and I am very sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. That was never my intent. My emotions and my words sometimes get away from me.

Whatever

I am so done. Things suck right now. I went out on Saturday to celebrate my birthday. Not much of a celebration if you ask me. I was very disappointed. Oh well. That seems to be the story of my life. So whatever. I am done. I invite people to come celebrate with me and they don't show up. Some were home sick. I understand that. But what I don't understand is how my so-called friends just ignore me. It's just a birthday.

I've come to the realization that in my life all I have ever wanted on my birthday is for someone to care about me. Someone to make a big deal out of it. But no one ever does. One time in my life did someone truly make a big deal out of my birthday. That was when all of my friends got together and threw me a Sweet 16 since they knew that my parents wouldn't. It was the best party of all time and it was a true celebration. But that was all I get. Oh well.

But I guess it just comes down to not actually having any friends out here. Hell, I can't even seem to hold onto my friends back east. Ray seems to have slipped off into oblivion again. We haven't talked for a while, but I can at least cut him some slack since he works strange hours and he is taking care of his dad. Thats fine. Ravi? I don't know what the hell is happening there. I've called him and left him numerous messages and still have not heard from him. He got engaged - do you think he told me about it? Nope. He had an engagement party over the weekend. Did he tell me about it. Again no. That just hurts to think that my good friend is making big changes in his life and I don't even know about them.

I give up....

Before I forget

My birthday is in 13 short days!!!

Some goals...

These are things that I feel I need to do in 2006:
1. Finish all the books I started - Anna Karenina, Vanity Fair, and Wicked.
2. Watch all the DVD's that I have bought and have just collected dust, like Crash.
3. Read all the other books that I have purchased, but haven't even opened yet.
4. Really make a concerted effort to write a novel. First steps - come up with a concept and an outline of the plot.

Since I haven't really posted in a while...

Its been a while since I posted anything. Just to fill you in, I got my butt into the gym, although I am not going as regularly as I had planned, but at least I am getting in there. I just need to figure out what my goal is. I can't do anything without a goal. There needs to be an outcome that I am working towards. I am still working on what that might be - I have some general ideas but I need to really nail them down.

On the work front I am extremely busy at the moment. Which on the one hand is great, but on the other I occasionally feel overwhelmed. But with the fact that they expanded my team and gave me the support that I need, so I am no longer an account team of one trying to do three people's job, its making things easier. Maybe easier isn't the right word - bearable is more like it. But after the review that I had last week, and the panic attack the week before, I know that I need to step my game up. I am "average" according to my supervisor. I HATE AVERAGE. I don't like that at all. Before I was promoted last January I was considered the best for that particular position. Thats a place that I feel comfortable in. And average is not acceptable, which is probably why I had a panic attack thinking that I was going to be fired. I don't feel like I am doing a good job unless I am doing a better job than everyone else. Damn am I competitive or what?

Now to the love life. Once again nothing is really happening there. I still have feelings for Mystery Guy, but the paranoid girl in me thinks that he may be involved with someone else in the office. (Warning: Venting full speed ahead) Let me explain about Psycho Chick. This girl seemed normal and nice. We even became friends, hanging out outside of the office, discussing personal things in our lives. (Please note that I have had a very hard time being friends with women - mostly because most of the ones I know are fucking psychotic. There have been few exceptions, namely Lu, Dragonfly, Loco and Loop.) All of a sudden, she just went nuts. I was able to catch a glimpse of how she truly was - PSYCHO. So I cut off all contact. This girl was kind of dating a friend of mine and she just messed with his mind, kept breaking off the relationship, and was sleeping with someone else that we worked with. It just became one big mess that eventually seeped into the office.

Basically it seems like every time I turn around Psycho Chick is there. Always trying to force her way in. Whether it is with my friends, me, or people that I like. And she did it just recently with Mystery Guy. The company recently had our annual meeting. So during the meeting I was sitting with Mystery Guy. We had a quick break so I went to check email, run to the restroom and grab a drink. While I was doing this I kept checking to see if Mystery Guy had gone back to his seat. I finally saw him back in his seat so I headed over. Before I could get there, Psycho Chick comes out of nowhere and sits next to him, in MY seat. Since he was sitting on the end of the row I had to sit on the other side of PC. I was not a happy camper. Of course I jokingly said "You stole my seat." She proceeded to act all innocent and she basically just let me know that she saw him sitting all by himself. I wanted to scratch her damn eyes out. Anyway, right before the meeting got started again, she got up to grab a drink, so I took my seat back. God I can be really immature... LOL

Well thats it for now. I'll fill you in on more later.

Skating with Celebrities?

All I can say is that Deborah Gibson will always be Debbie Gibson to me. I am predicting that her skating will leave her electric (black &) blue. Its a train wreck that I can not turn away from. I love when Fox takes existing concepts, makes them really trashy, and then airs them. The worst television is always the most entertaining.

A New Year

It's a new year - now I just need a new attitude. Depression is something that I have battled for many years now. I can go a year without any problems, and then BAM. It hits. I wish that there was some pattern that I can trace it back to, but alas there is not. The only good thing is that after dealing with it for so long, I have a good idea of what I can do that will help me reduce the affects of an episode. Which leads to my new years resolution (of sorts).

First let me say that I hate resolutions. I relate it to tattooing a boyfriend or girlfriend's name on your body - it is immediately doomed for failure. So I usually don't make them. Since I know that I am in the early stages of what may turn out to be a really nasty depressive episode, I feel that I need to do something. So what the hell am I blabbering on about? I am getting my butt back into the gym. I am going to get back into my 5 night a week routine. The endorphine rush will definitely be a help in the fight against depression.

Before I got sick, and then lazy, and then broke my damn finger, I was in a wonderful place in my life. I was going to the gym 5 nights a week. I felt good because I was losing weight, I was sleeping better, I was feeling better about myself, and I just felt happy. Feeling sore after a good workout was the best feeling. I wasn't drinking very much, I was doing more with myself, and quite frankly I was more confident.

I have already made one big change that will help me get back - I quit drinking. I haven't had any alcoholic beverages at all in the year 2006. I realized that I was in a rut. My social life consisted of going to the bar so I could talk to a bartender I had no chance dating. I wasn't eating healthy - a diet consisting mainly of chicken fingers, french fries, and Coors Light. I was sick of every one cracking jokes about "my bar" and how much I drank. There is more to me then my ability to drink a lot. So I just decided to not drink. I'm not going to sit here and say that I had a problem, or that I will never have a drink again. (I can quarantee that I will have one on my birthday!) I just won't have every social situation revolve around drinking.

So with my schedule cleared of wasting time with my ass on a bar stool, my ass will be found in the gym. Because when all is said and done, I will look good, I will feel good, and that is all that matters.

So Happy New Year!!!